jessteronimo

Losing It

My life is moving way too fast right now.  I feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. Every day is crazier than the last. I'm losing my focus, losing my connections, losing my control, losing my energy, losing my way. Must....slow....down.....NOW! Before I lose my mind.

Robbed

I collected a large retainer from a new client first thing this morning, all in $20 bills. This made quite a stack of money. After I gave him the receipt and he left, I was walking back to my desk when one of the attorneys called me into his office to address a virus problem he was having with his computer. I had the money with me, and he picked up the stack and was commenting on how much money it was and the fact that it was all $20 bills, an unusual way to pay such a high fee. I got the virus scan running on his computer and went back to my desk to enter the client information into my computer. While I was there, the attorney asked for the file. So I got up and took the file into his office and went back to my desk. The deposit slip for the money was sitting on my desk, but the money was gone. I freaked out and started looking everywhere for it, thinking I must be going crazy. At first I thought maybe the attorney hadn't given me the money back, or I'd left it in his office. So he and I scoured his office, then the rest of the office, with rising panic as the minutes passed. We were both baffled. He mentioned that maybe he took it to the restroom with him accidentally (we were really grasping for possible locations by this point). So when he left to go to court, I went to the office next door to ask if anyone had seen anything.

Turns out that one of the guys, on his way to the restroom, had seen someone come out of our office's back door and hurry out the stairwell right across the hall; the timing was right. Dread sunk in. I felt sick. We hadn't yet had a client visit in the office, except the new client. He described the man, but it wasn't someone I recognized. So we pieced together that someone had entered the back door and had been hiding in the shadows of our library right next to my desk waiting for an opportunity. There were two paralegals sitting in their cubicles ten feet from my desk, but the back door is only used by employees on their way to the restrooms, so no one pays attention to that traffic. No more. It's permanently locked now.

I called the police, and an officer came over to take my statement. That was a surreal experience--almost as surreal as being robbed in the middle of a workday. I felt stupid. All the while I knew there was nothing he could do. I knew we'd never see that money again. And now I'm freaked out and super-cautious. We're taking other security measures. But I know that if someone wants to hurt you, they will find a way to do it. We'll just make it harder on them. And thank goodness that kharma doesn't let anyone get away with anything.

I really need things to get better. Now.

Slipping and Sleeping

On Friday he fell while no one was home and couldn't get up for hours. Although he didn't actually injure himself, the experience knocked the stuffing out of him, and by the time he was rescued and righted, he'd sunken into something of a glazed-stare trance, with no energy left in his tired, withered old limbs. Last night he went to sleep around 9:00, like he has for as long as I can remember--but this time he didn't wake up again. He feels none now, but I can't describe the pain my family is feeling today. We already miss you so much, Grandpa!

At eighty-six, he'd lived a good life: he was a respected and hard worker, a veteran, a Christian, and a proud parent with many grand- and great-grandkids--still spending each and every day with his life-long sweetheart. But the last several years have been especially hard as his body deteriorated. He fought with nightmarish and debilitating depression, breathing disorders (on oxygen almost constantly), and untold old-age aches and pains, but his biggest and worst struggle was with a particularly virulent and recurring case of Shingles, an extremely painful condition that attacks the nerves and skin. Even still, we all expected Grandma--who was visibly wasting away and having what appeared to be more serious breathing problems--to be the first to go. Shocker.

My father was sobbing when he called me with the news of his father's passing. Overcome with grief and barely able to talk, he asked me to convey the news to my family, so the phone call web began. I haven't heard from him since. I know he's busy and hurting, but thank goodness his wife has been connecting us all throughout the day. There's too much work in funeral plans! I'm surprised at the shock and anger that keeps gripping me--in between bouts of deep sadness and embarrassing, infuriating normalness. And I suppose I shouldn't be, but I'm also surprised at how much of my mother's death this is bringing back up. I'd worked through that--or so I'd thought. How cruel the cycle of life and death can be to the survivors. I know, from experience now, that the next few days will knock me down and leave me gasping, and then I'll begin the long, slow process of picking myself back up again, acting normal until I feel more like it. May take years.

Volunteering

My sister casually mentioned that, as a free activity for the following day, we should all go walk dogs for the Humane Society. She dropped this suggestion half-heartedly with little or no idea of actually doing it. But my eldest daughter, ever the animal lover, latched onto the idea with a will of iron and a desire even stronger, her imagination surely conjuring up all kinds of frolicking fun with puppies. She mentioned animals, pets, dogs, volunteering, or the Humane Society at least once every waking hour since the idea was planted yesterday afternoon. I knew the idea wouldn't die, so today I searched the web, made a few phone calls, and learned about volunteering to go walk dogs and perform other tasks at the city Humane Society. To be a regular volunteer, you have to be 18 or be accompanied by an adult and take a one-hour orientation class (which is full until February).

So we went to the shelter today, and, in exchange for your driver's license and car keys, you get a leash and unlimited access to walk a single dog at a time around the grounds for as long as you want. I stressed before the trip that this was absolutely not an overture to getting a pet. Out of the question. We took three kids there (mine and a friend), which means that we spent nearly two hours walking every single dog in the shelter for small dogs. Then we spent another 20 minutes with the cats, although the kids weren't so interested in those. All the while, Ben stood reading a book and making comments about how this was the perfect activity for the kids: they give service to others (men and beasts), they run and wear themselves out, participation is not required of the parents, and it's free! Not exactly perfect in my mind, because I know I'll be the one to take the class with the girls and become the volunteer parent for future outings. Oh goodie. One more thing for me to do. At least I got to see the joy on my kids' faces.

Pay Attention

Have you noticed that gas prices are creeping back up? I haven't heard anyone talking about it either. When it rises sharply in the middle of the summer to the $4-per-gallon range, everyone screams bloody murder. And we all breathe an audible, collective sigh of relief when it drops just as suddenly back to the $2-per-gallon range (which is still criminally high, by the way). But when it creeps up slowly--up $0.10 this weekend, back down $0.05 for the weekdays, then up another $0.10 the next weekend--no one really notices. Makes you go, Hmmmmm, don't it?

Do you sometimes feel like you're part of a massive social experiment, like some entity out there is testing our pain thresholds to figure out how much we will pay before we start to change our behaviors? I do. Makes me a wee bit mad too. But not enough to actually fight it. I'm way too distracted for that. Is that another Starbucks going up? Where's the nearest Wal-Mart? Oooooooo, look! Mountain Dew on sale! When's the Super Bowl?

Sad, really. 

[Empty]

"Your oil isn't reading."

"Does that mean your machine isn't working?"

"No."

"What does it mean?"

"There's no reading."

Long pause while this sinks in.

"So there's no oil?"

"No, ma'am."

Does that mean I'm wrong, or is he confirming there's no oil? I rephrase the question.

"It's empty?"

"Yes, ma'am." He's feeling uncomfortable. I'm feeling horrified. My sister had the oil changed right before she gave me the car just a few months ago. Oh, wait, that was six months ago. But that means the oil should be really dirty, not GONE!

"You haven't noticed any leaks? Well, some cars burn oil more than others, especially at the higher mileage." I hadn't realized I'd been speaking out loud. More horrors. He must think me an idiot, not just the too-busy working mother that I am.

"So I guess you can fill it up and it'll be all right, right?"

"Yes, ma'am." Note to self: Must get an oil change every 3,000 miles--for real. And take advantage of periodic top-off service!

Cream Is the New White

I found the perfect shoes. I'd been looking for a new pair of all-purpose casual shoes to replace the tennis shoes I've been wearing out for a decade, but I hadn't yet found the perfect size, color, style, and arch support combination--until Saturday when I chanced by a new style of Danskin's cross over deom dance into casual and sporty shoes. The store had several colors for the style I liked, and since Danskin knows active women's feet at least as well as Nike (IMHO), the arch support was perfect. Black, cream, and white caught my eye, and they even had my size in all three. I fell for the white ones, all shiny and clean, but as I packed up the shoes in their box to take to the checkout, my oldest daughter packed up the same shoe in cream, placed it in the shopping cart, and took the white shoes from my hands and returned them to the shelf. Then she explained, in an ever-so-slightly exasperated tone, "Mom, in a few days, the white shoes would BE the tan shoes, only not on purpose, so you might as well buy the tan shoes." And then she reminded me of times past when I've complained about not having anything to wear with my other white shoes but that tan goes with way more outfits. Such wisdom in a twelve year old--and not even a girly one! She was completely right, of course. I wore my perfect new shoes to work today, and I never once regretted it.

Twelfth Night

With a hairdryer in one hand and a brush in the other, I work my way from side to side around my daughter's head drying her thick, dark locks. I note that the texture has changed to shinier, finer, and oilier. She doesn't usually hold still for this routine because her head is so sensitive that it hurts her. But today she turned a corner. She turned twelve today. And it definitely feels like she has grown up overnight. She advanced into the youth group at church today, she let me primp her a bit, and she planned and directed her own birthday party this evening--a party that was noticeably less kid-y than years past (fewer decorations, fewer "party games," more hanging out and chatting).

I'm both nervous and excited for this next phase in my baby's life. She reminds me a lot of me at that age, but more mature. An old soul, I've heard her described as, and it's oh so evident on this special day. I hope she'll trust me enough to let me help her through all the craziness that is coming. As I look at her shining face on this night of her twelfth birthday, I can't help but think, "Wow, she's already so grown up and incredibly beautiful!" I couldn't be more proud of her.

Happy New Year!

I sincerely hope you all had a great start to the new year! I know I did. It's been busy but good.

I haven't gotten around to making any resolutions yet (my excuse: I've been working on year-end stuff at my job, and we've had family in town). Maybe I won't make them this year! But I spent some time rereading my blog over the past year. Sorry, guys, it was a little dry this year. I'll try harder. Below is a list of some event highlights. There were quite a few fun, light-hearted posts unrelated to a particular event, but it felt strange listing them, so you'll have to go back and delve into the archives if you're interested in those.

Ben's Forgiveness (2 Jan 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/01/bens-forgivenes.html

Ding Dong (28 Jan. 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/01/ding-dong.html

Super Sunday? (4 Feb 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/02/super-sunday.html

My Newest Most Embarrassing Moment (22 Feb 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/02/my-newest-most.html

'Tweens (4 Mar 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/03/tweens.html

Cookie Radar (7 Mar 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/03/cookie-radar.html

Pizza and French Fries (12 Mar 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/03/pizza-and-frenc.html

Running Red Lights (21 Apr 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/04/running-red-lig.html

Thought I'd Share (27 Apr 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/04/thought-id-shar.html

New Auntie (28 May 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/05/new-auntie.html

Curses (29 May 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/05/curses.html

Doctor, Doctor! (24 June 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/06/doctor-doctor.html

Welcome to the Family! (16 June 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/06/welcome-to-th-1.html

Still as a Statue (9 July 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/07/still-as-a-stat.html

Blistering (16 July 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/07/blistering.html

Stimulating (20 July 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/07/stimulating.html

Food Lab in My Kitchen: Little Bakers Are Born (25 July 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/07/food-lab-in-my.html

Time's A-Flyin'! (15 Aug 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/08/times-a-flyin.html

Happy Twin Moment (5 Sept 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/09/happy-twin-moment.html

I'm Blue (28 Sept 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/09/im-blue.html

The Future Looks Bright But I Can't Wear Shades (16 Oct 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/10/the-future-looks-bright-but-i-cant-wear-shades.html

Warmth (20 Oct 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/10/warmth.html

Forgotten Freaky Friday (30 Oct 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/10/forgotten-freaky-friday.html

Checkbook Battles (12 Nov 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/11/checkbook-battles.html

Freaking Out and Reverse Psych (1 Dec 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/12/freaking-out-and-reverse-psych.html

Preparedness (4 Dec 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/12/preparedness.html

Sweet Sixteen (29 Dec 2008)
http://jessteronimo.typepad.com/jessteronimo/2008/12/sweet-sixteen.html

I'd love to read your comments on any of these or other posts, public or private. (Remember that I screen my comments before posting them to the world.)

Happy New Year!