jessteronimo

Blues

Something in me changed recently. It's been coming on slowly, but I can definitely feel the winter blues sucking me down now. I was feeling pretty good at the first of the year, but a bunch of little things have started to weigh me down like those straws on the proverbial camel's back.  My resolve to reach my 2011 goals is slipping, and it's getting harder and harder to even care. One of the more significant problems is an injury to my ankle that I sustained when I rolled my foot while helping my sister move some furniture on New Year's Day. It didn't start hurting until a couple of hours later, but after a few weeks of getting slightly better each day, I reinjured it, and it's been downhill since then. My limited mobility, the constant pain, and the inconvenience of wearing stupid support braces is frustrating me more and more. The next big weight is the inevitable work crap I face daily--especially a bunch of big, crazy, and sometimes inexplicable IT problems. Every day I feel more behind, more frustrated, more tired, and further down in my spirits. I'm definitely sinking. If you know my family's history, you can understand why I'm more than a little scared of feeling like this. I sort of know what I need to do, but it takes time and energy I don't have--and a growing part of me doesn't want to fight back. Spring, please get here fast.

Who Needs Sleep?

For over a week now, I have been having trouble sleeping. I go to sleep all right, feeling my normal exhaustion level. But I wake up almost every day at ungodly hours like 3:24 a.m. (today) and 4:17 a.m. (yesterday). I try to get back to sleep using a number of techniques that have worked in the past, to no avail. After a while, I give up and get up to do something productive--like blog or exercise. I haven't been drinking caffeine, haven't altered any other part of my routines, or changed any of my habits. I can only chalk this one up to extreme stress over work issues. The big problem is that it's a vicious circle: If I don't get enough sleep, I'm either jumpy and irritable or I'm giddy and hyper; if I'm frazzled or worked up, I don't get enough sleep! I'm fed up. Gotta nip this in the bud double quick!

Busted Knees

Protect your knees! My boss blew out his knee when he slipped on the ice at the courthouse--torn meniscus, surgery last Thursday. My twin's husband blew out his knee playing in a basketball tournament (which his team won)--torn meniscus, ACL and MCL, knee surgery next Wednesday. Hopefully this isn't one of those things that happens in threes!

Sugar, Sugar

My daughters' friends came over to play today. One of them is diabetic and got herself locked out of her house while her parents were shopping and running errands. She needed to check her blood sugar, and luckily, I had a glucose monitor from my recent unpleasantness. Well, her blood was indeed low, so we needed to get her to eat some sugar. You wouldn't think that would be so hard given my love of sweet things. But everything we thought would have sugar in it was sugar free. I hadn't realized how health conscious we were being! After scrambling to try to find sugared anything, we finally found something. Ironically, it was a chocolate weight-loss shake.

Serious

I'm still a little bit in shock. I thought I knew what was wrong with me. I'd read online and heard a lot about hypoglycemia, and many of the symptoms fit. And because the recommended courses of action to correct the low blood sugar seemed to help, I self diagnosed and ignored other symptoms I had. Eating "real" food and not treats every 3-4 hours has always made me feel better--until this past week. I can't shake it. My spidey sense kept telling me that something is wrong with me, and it got to the point where I couldn't ignore it anymore.

So I spent nearly the entire morning in a doctor's office trying to find out what's been going wrong. Well, it's not hypoglycemia--although I do have a pretty nasty sugar sensitivity that needs to be monitored and treated. She did a whole slew of tests on me, only one of which I got definite results from today (nothing wrong with my heart; the EKG came back normal). I have to wait for the results of the other tests, but right now her diagnosis is that I most likely have an unruptured cerebral aneurysm--a weakened blood vessel in my brain, like a biological time bomb. My mother had a ruptured one when I was born, and they can be hereditary. If the doctors can locate it, preferrably before it ruptures, it's pretty treatable. But the little I've read about it used words like "removing a section of the skull" and "putting a stent on the artery"; I got so freaked out that I stopped reading.

Hard to find. Hard to fight. Fan-bloody-tastic.

Fun with Sugars--Or Not

Ever found yourself sitting on the floor at your work while everyone stands around you staring? I have.

Yesterday, I went to a late lunch appointment. I hadn't eaten much all morning besides the Christmas snacks in the break room, but I hadn't noticed feeling particularly hungry. When I got back to the office, a bunch of us were standing in the common area of the office talking. Suddenly I was sitting on the floor feeling very confused. I looked up at the attorney who'd been standing across from me, and he said, sounding very concerned, "Did you just sit down, or did you fall down?" I didn't know. I tried to think for a second and finally said, "I think I fell down." He shook his head and said, "I think you passed out." Then the room started spinning to the left and I fell backward. Of course, my coworkers immediately panicked and started asking what needed to be done and if they should call an ambulance. I felt stupid. I just wanted to rest and get the room to hold still. I kept trying to communicate, but my brain, which was pretty foggy, wouldn't work my mouth. I knew what was coming out wasn't making any sense. It was really frustrating. I felt weak and helpless and very dizzy.

The attorney, who is a diabetic, ran and got his blood sugar testing pack while the others moved me, via rolling chair, to the couch in one of the offices. The tester revealed that my blood sugar level was 57 mg/dl. (Normal levels are between 70 and 150. Impairment starts in the mid-60s; comas start in the 50s.) I was alarmed when I heard that, and so was my diabetic friend. He ordered someone to bring me a pop and some oranges to eat stat to get sugars into my system fast. After about a half hour, he tested my blood again; I was at 151. "That's good, right?" I asked. "Not really," he responded, still looking worried. "You just swang from too low to too high in a half hour. That's too fast." Great. I was still shaking and felt wobbly and weak, so I called Ben to come pick me up. No way was I driving, and even though I had a lot to do, my body and brain wouldn't function. And I was afraid I would fall again. I was already embarrassed enough.

I spent the afternoon at home doing research on my laptop, nibbling at snacks, and checking my blood sugar levels. In addition to the cloudy thinking and general wobbliness, I woke up this morning feeling disoriented and stiff. More fun for me. I would have stayed home, but I had a full day planned. The attorney let me borrow his tester, and over the next 12 hours, I never dropped to the 50s again, but I didn't reach the definitively safe levels either. My attempts to get in to see an endocrinologist were unsuccessful because he wanted me to see a family doctor first, even though my insurance doesn't make me. I'll keep trying. I've had hypoglycemic attacks before, but I'm a little freaked out at how quickly this episode came on and how long it has continued.

HALT

I check my email first thing when I get to work each day. Today there was a very sad email waiting for me that delivered the awful news that one of our clients had committed suicide yesterday. The news reminded me how a lot of people have a very hard time keeping their spirits up during the holiday season. I thought I'd share a coping thought that one of my friends shared with me a few months ago when I was going through my annual sad time, in case it might help any of my readers push through a bad spot ever. It's a simple acronym with a powerful message: When you are struggling, think H.A.L.T. Stop and analyze your situation:

H - Are you Hungry? Hunger can mess with your body chemistry, which messes with your brain. Eat something substantial and healthy, and preferably not something super sugary, as this can produce a temporary and false euphoria that usually leads to another crash.

A - Are you Angry? Intense anger is a type of out-of-control emotion that can lead to other out-of-control emotions and actions, which can spiral downward or explode in a hurry. Remove yourself from the situation. Go for a walk. Get some air. Breathe deeply and rhythmically. Do whatever you have to do to calm yourself down.

L - Are you Lonely? This is one of my biggest triggers. Being alone when you're depressed or upset can sink you faster than you realize. Go find someone. Anyone. Anywhere. Sometimes just going to a public place like a grocery store or a coffee shop can snap you out of it, but more often you need someone who can talk you off that ledge. Visit or call someone (a loved one or even a hotline like 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433) or 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255), which are nationwide hotlines staffed with trained professionals).

T - Are you Tired? Like hunger, being tired effects your body's ability to fight off attacks, even emotional attacks. Rest. Take a power nap. Or sleep all day or night. Whatever your body is calling for. Stop demanding so much of yourself for just a little while and relax! (I know, pot calling the kettle black, eh?) But seriously, try to sleep it off. Just DO NOT help that sleep along with pills or alcohol, k? Promise me that, please!

Next time you're feeling more than "the blues" coming on, I hope you'll remember the acronym and do something to turn yourself around, out, up. Figure out your own triggers now, and then figure out how to fight them now. Think happy thoughts. I mean it. Pick out a couple of happy memories to put in your arsenal right now, even if you've never suffered from depression. Did you do it? You need to know this information before you truly need it!

And if you need someone to talk to, I'll listen. And trust me, some of you reading this right now are on MY list of people to call when I'm in this situation too--for which you'll never really know how grateful I am. Wishing everyone within the sound of my...um, typing...safe and happy.

September Sucks

Today I received one more in a long string of reasons to truly hate September. Maybe my mom was on to something.

Head's Down

Hi, remember me? Sorry I've been so quiet; I'm wrapped in my world and totally in my head right now. I've spent the last few weeks buried in work, karate, family and friend troubles, and minor health issues. I've had a ton of major and minor IT problems and challenges to deal with, I'm trying to prepare to test for my brown belt in karate next weekend, I've been trying to help several of my friends and family whose lives have been in turmoil, and on top of fighting off a minor cold, I battled the first bad migraine I've had in year--for three whole days. Plus, I'm just trying to make it through another September alive, a task which isn't as easy or as flippant for me as it may sound. I've kept a grueling schedule with little sleep and even less rest or peace.

I sort of came up for a breath yesterday and looked around. I was slightly awed by all that has happened already this month and how much I still have to endore. It scared me enough that I'm headed back down huddled in my head again. I'm truly thankful for my support system; undoubtedly, I could not do this repeatedly without these people I love. 

I wonder if I'm destined to fight September for the rest of my life.

Shutting Down

Here comes the crash. It's gonna be a bad one this year. I feel like I'm in fetal position already, and it's only August.